| One of my songs is appearing in a video game! |
[Dec. 3rd, 2008|12:02 am] |
Sort of.
I know a guy who programs for WiiPicross.Com. It's a pretty popular web site where you can play Picross online, the "Wii" part comes from the fact that it is specifically built to work nicely with accessing it through the Wii online as well.
They are doing an advent calender of Christmas themed puzzles and he wanted some Christmas-y music for the selection screen so he asked me if I had anything. I was like hmm, I do have a song written that has sleigh bells in it...
And here is the final result!
He says he expects something like 25,000 hits when all is said and done... they get about 1,000 hits a day. Imagine that, my music being heard by 25,000 people...
I'm slightly... concerned... about the fact that it is a midi, and midi sounds different on every computer so I can't quite control how it will sound as well as say MP3, but they needed something that wasn't going to eat up their bandwidth so it made sense to go with a midi.
SWEET.
(PS. What do you think of the song?) |
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| Is this actually true? |
[Jul. 11th, 2008|02:29 pm] |
A girl at work said it is customary for the guy to spend 3 months salary on an engagement ring for the girl. And the way she said it was basically like, that's the way almost everyone does it and if a guy isn't willing to do that for her, she won't marry him.
F THAT.
That seems crazy to me. Maybe because I grew up in a house where my parents never had much money and I haven't exactly become all that financially well off myself, at all. But then again, even if I had money, spending a ton on a ring would still seem insane to me.
(Not that I'm planning on getting engaged anytime soon, or ever to her.)
(Nor is 3 months "salary" actually that much money at my job.) |
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| Happy Birthday to ME. Time to buy some presents. |
[Jul. 3rd, 2008|10:26 am] |
So, despite the story in my last journal, I did get a raise. $1.25 an hour, which is $.25 more than I was expecting on the HIGH end of things, and about $.75 more than I actually expected. So that's alright. I'm not sure if my weeks of talking about how important I am and "joking" to my boss that I better be getting a huge raise had anything to do with it. Sitting at $14.75 an hour now which is still pretty pathetic for a 29 year old Computer Professional, but then again it is very tough to think of myself as a "professional" and most 29 year olds have way more actual experience in the field.
Usually I buy myself a present when I get a raise, or when my birthday comes around, so both happening in the same week would generally be a sure self present buying experience. But I already bought myself a present a few weeks ago... a PS3. Yeah, I did it. After a year of talking about how stupid Sony is and how I'd get an Xbox 360 before I even think about buying a PS3, I went and bought a PS3 instead. Sony seems to have learned a bit from their mistakes, they got their price down a lot, are finally getting some compelling games, and to be honest with Bioshock coming to PS3 and Metal Gear Solid 4 already on it... well, those are my two most wanted non-Wii games at the moment, so that helped me make the choice. And most everything else non-Wii I want in the near future is multiplatform or PS3 exclusive. It is weird though, almost every console I have bought in the past had a game or two that were OMG MUST PLAY to me... whereas this is my first console purchase where it is like yeah, there are some games I want to check out, but nothing pressing. I really only bought it right now because I got a free $100 gift card with it. All in all I'm pretty happy with it though, Metal Gear Solid 4 is super sweet and I also bought Oblivion which is fun, want to check out some downloadable games once I actually get it connected to that crazy Internet thingy I've heard about.
There you go. Another year. One step closer to the 30 Year Old Virgin. Let's just hope it doesn't actually get up to 40. |
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| Well this isn't a good sign... |
[Jun. 30th, 2008|03:24 pm] |
Boss: How much do you make?
Me: Don't you know?
Boss: I don't even know how much I make.
*tells boss*
Boss: Seriously?
Me: Yeah.
Boss: No way. You're joking right?
Me: No.
Boss: Why are we paying you so much?
Me: Doesn't seem like that much to me. Why?
Boss: Oh. Well I was just about to give you a raise a half dollar less than you are making right now. |
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| So I just found out someone I talk to (sporadically) online tried to kill herself |
[Jun. 20th, 2008|10:33 am] |
And not like toyed with the idea and posted about it on LJ to get attention... but like her friend has been posting on her accounts from her hospital bed where she has been on and off and they aren't actually sure yet if she is going to make it.
I guess it comes as a surprise because she always seemed super bright and happy, not that I knew much about her. But that only goes to show how people can wear different faces than what they are actually feeling.
I sent her a message probably right about when it happened. Not that I think I had anything to do with it, it was like a two sentence message that was neither here nor there, but it was still weird timing, and if I had known she was suicidal I *probably* would have found something different to say.
I'm not even sure there is a point to this post. Maybe I should feel worse and wonder if there was something I could have done, but the truth is when you don't know someone very well you don't know them very well, and you can't know EVERYONE you talk to on the Internet very well, so there is no point trying to look back after the fact and feel bad about it.
Ah well. Hopefully she recovers and figures out what she wants/needs out of life. |
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| Apparently... |
[Jun. 14th, 2008|04:29 pm] |
girls playing Wii Fit in their underwear is the new Youtube trend.
I'm not sure if this is *quite* the type of viral marketing that family-friendly Nintendo wants, but I guess it can't hurt to get the word out. Albeit the only people who seem obsessed with watching these girls are the nerdy video game types who already own the Wii.
I guess it does go to show just how popular Nintendo has become again though.
Now 3rd party developers, can you... you know... put out some compelling games on it? Please? |
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| I came to an interesting conclusion the other day... I am underpaid. |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|12:23 pm] |
This one is so obvious, I'm surprised I never actually thought about it before. Though I'm sure my brother has probably said it to me many times and I never stopped to think about what it means.
Here is my conclusion: I am underpaid. But not just that... by default, if you work for a company that exists to profit, and actually do your job in a competent manner, you are underpaid as well. Which means most workers, in general, are underpaid.
See, I have a hard time grasping the work/pay ratio. I think I have been getting paid garbage for so long that I almost convince myself that is all I am worth. With my review coming up soon, I stopped and thought... how much am I actually worth to this company? What would be a fair wage for the type of skilled work (computer programming) that I am doing? Specifically, how much money does my work actually make for the company? And then it dawned on me... the company is here to profit, and if it is actually profiting, then employees, in general, are creating more wealth for the company than they are taking home.
It didn't help that I came to this conclusion while in the back seat of one of the owner's many expensive cars (this one is her new Jag.) I am pretty sure their companies are profiting very much, from everything I see and hear.
So how do you set up a company that truly pays employees what they are worth? Well, first thing first, there would be no one at top getting the overall profits. Everyone... yes even the owners... would be on salary, and all profit made would go back to all employees based on their respective salary. I have absolutely no problem with the owners taking a disproportionately high amount of money in the early years to account for the fact that yes, they did have to take some large risks and make some investments (if this is the case) but once that evens off and their company is making them consistent profit, they are back to normal salary + proportionate bonus.
I know this isn't realistic. People start businesses precisely because they WANT to get rich off of other people's work. Our economy would never go anywhere if we forced everyone to take fair wages for the work (and risks) they are taking. The American dream isn't to make a decent living, it is to be up there with Gates and Trump making ridiculous amounts of money. But all that says to me is it isn't realistic because people (at least business owners) are going to be somewhat greedy and want more than their fair share of the pie.
The frustrating part is no one really stops to question it. For instance, the owners of my company... they are generally good people. I don't think they would openly screw anyone over or anything, and they're very kind and easy to work with. They probably just simply never stopped to think about how they might not necessarily deserve to be extremely wealthy off of A. inheriting profitable companies and B. continuing to run those profitable companies in a manner that makes them richer and richer while their employees struggle to get by.
Ah well.
I suppose it is slightly ironic that I am posting this while on the clock, but then again my boss did spend about a half hour playing around with his new exercise equipment earlier today, so I don't really have the best role model... |
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| Well this is a new one... |
[May. 31st, 2008|02:12 pm] |
I was talking to this girl online for awhile and she seemed nice and we got along pretty well. I wasn't really romantically interested for many reasons but she is a gamer and all that so I thought it'd be cool to hang out some time, and wrote her saying she.
She wrote back with "I don't trust people who don't drink" and I haven't really heard from her since.
Don't trust people who... DON'T drink? How does that even work? Does she think I'm going to take her out, stay sober while I get her wasted and then take advantage of her or something? I don't really follow that "real world" outside much, is this a new thing I am not aware of, that non-drinkers are taking out drinkers to take advantage of them and it is some huge problem now? But the drinkers are apparently much more trust-worthy?
Anyway, no big deal, but still very strange to me. I'm kind of also curious as to whether she realized the whole time we were talking that I don't drink or if that is a recent revelation, though it is pretty much the first thing you see on my profile. Because we seemed to get along really well until this. |
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| Somehow I have managed to become the number 2 man at work... |
[May. 22nd, 2008|03:09 pm] |
Let me explain my work situation. I started a year ago at this small computer support company owned by a rich family, we support about 15 of their businesses. I was brought on as summer help with 3 other guys. The place only had 3 full time employees, and a girl who did some part time phone help. After summer I was asked to stay on, so I did, whereas the other summer help all went back to school (I already finished school.) I considered myself a total n00b at the bottom of the totem pole.
Well, I learned quickly that one of the full time employees was very unreliable, and pretty much on his way out. He is still here but he got cut to part time. Moves me up to the number 3 spot.
Number 2, a pretty intelligent networking/tech support guy, got a new job. He is leaving. What does this leave us with?
1. My boss
2. Me
3. Former full time now part time guy who is probably getting fired soon (if he doesn't quit)
4. Phone girl
5. New guy who is bosses friend that got hired "temporarily" and knows jack about computers
The problem is, and I straight up told this to my boss today... this pretty much leaves me and me alone as an actual reliable computer employee. My boss is a boss and therefore doesn't do much work. Part time guy is a Linux guy who refuses to learn anything new and barely ever actually shows up to work nowadays. Phone girl is a phone girl, not a computer girl. New guy is just some random dude who knows nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, about computers.
I AM THE ONLY FUCKING COMPETENT COMPUTER EMPLOYEE LEFT IN THIS SUPPOSED COMPUTER COMPANY. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
And the problem is, I'm a programmer first and foremost. I don't know much hardware and I don't know much networking and with the one guy leaving I know I will get stuck trying to troubleshoot all this stuff that I don't understand whatsoever, but somehow understand more than everyone else here (save my boss... but he doesn't like getting his hands dirty with work very often... plus I think he knows a lot less than he pretends he does.)
The other problem is, in most companies if you are the number 2 computer man, you get a decent paycheck. Not so here. I am going to end up with more and more responsibility... and I'm still working for $13.50 an hour. I have a review and probable raise coming up soon, but I doubt it will be much, and it would have to be a LOT to even begin to rise me close to how much the average person in my position makes. Also there is absolutely nowhere to move up in this company.
Meh. My boss better get some new blood in here soon, I'm not doing everything. Either way there doesn't seem to be much of a longterm future here, since this rich family doesn't understand that computer people come at a cost for a reason... because it is a highly skilled job that requires you to constantly be learning new things, something not just any bum off the street can do. |
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| Pussy on a pedestal. |
[May. 19th, 2008|12:06 am] |
Mmmmm hmm.
You would think this is the kind of thing that you would only hear from meathead guys in movies, but I have actually had that same exact phrase applied to myself a few times online from various people, none of whom seemed to actually be meatheads. Some of them female.
I kind of think it is strange because I don't think it should be THAT controversial of an approach to sex to wait for a decent relationship. It's not like I'm all "Oh I'm waiting for my perfect angel and everything is going to be amazing and we are going to be together forever!!!!!!!!" Nah, I just would prefer to be with someone I care about who cares about me, which to me means I'm at least in a relationship with the girl. And it's not controversial, in general... provided you aren't 28. But at my age people start to think well... ok maybe it makes sense when you are first starting dating, or a couple years later, and maybe it still makes some sense in college, BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU ARE 28, JUST GO GET SOME PUSSY MAN!
And my only reply is... why should I?
See, to me things either make sense, or they don't. If I want casual sex, I'll go get it. If I don't, I won't. And so far, I don't. Why should I change how I feel about this just because I haven't found a girlfriend yet? Of course the older I get the more tempting it is, in some ways, to just get it over with. BUT... it is also easier, in some ways, to not really need it. I've gone my whole life without it, I don't particularly need it this year, or the next, or the year after... no big deal. You just kind of get used to the fact that it isn't a part of your life. And in some ways I'm glad about that, because I see how SOME guys get when they haven't had it for... gasp... a whole month or two, and suddenly all of their free time is dedicated to scoring again because they can't imagine the TORTURE of going much longer without it. Well guess what? I have more important things to do with my free time than hanging out at lame bars trying to get with whatever lame girl seems to be giving me the time of day, such as playing video gam... um I mean, being productive and working on my music project, etc.
Even the phrase itself seems weird to me, because I think... isn't it the opposite side that is "putting the pussy on a pedestal?" You know, the womanizers. The ones who, for the most part, don't have much interest in whatever given female they happen to be with at the time besides the fact that she has a pussy? The ones who are at bars till 3 AM acting like someone they aren't because they know that if they let these woman know how much of a true jackass they really are it might kill their chance to get some pussy? The ones who can't go very long without having to revolve their life activities around setting themselves up to get some more of that pussy because they don't feel like a real man if they aren't constantly getting pussy pussy pussy? Whereas for me I would like it to be one (admittedly very interesting) part of many, many, many amazing things shared between me and a girl.
Ah well. People are silly. |
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| OMG IT IS THE ROCK! |
[May. 16th, 2008|01:18 pm] |
I was bored and took one of the greatest songs ever made, Donkey Kong County 2's Bramble Blast, and did a rock version of it. With some large creative liberties taken.
LINK
It is the one at the bottom, called "Blasted by Rock and Bramble."
LISTEN AND COMMENT. |
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| Well, I'm doing (relatively) alright lately. |
[May. 6th, 2008|02:08 pm] |
Which confuses me. So I had to stop and think... why?
And here are the only answers I can come up with...
A. The weather IS nice. I think it is more than just a mental thing with me, I have noticed in the winter my nerves are much worse. Heat seems to calm me down a bit. I can have a really bad day at work, step out into a nice day, and suddenly my nerves just... ease up. They don't go away, but they ease up. Not enough though.
B. I'm being productive with both my music project and my Nintendo fansite version 2.0. What worries me about this is the site will be done in a few months and then there won't be too much to do... and the music project will get to the point where there isn't much I can do but keep making more and more music that no one is listening to... and then what do I do with myself? Oh well, that is the future.
One negative of this, though, is that I think I'm borderline burning out and don't even realize it. Take the music... I get home, get right into it, and around 9 or 10 or so think oh yeah... I kind of forgot to EXERCISE and EAT FOOD. Getting involved in projects is good, but I tend to sort of forget about my health while doing so. Another negative is that my $200 sound card is already starting to malfunction and I think the warranty ran out... blah.
C. I think I have mentally decided that whether or not THIS job works out longterm doesn't really matter. There are other jobs out there. The problem is that once you decide this, it is tough to keep motivated. But whatever, it's not like anyone besides me does much around here anyway.
D. My boss has been around approximately one half of the last three work days.
I'm never really sure how to hold onto (relatively) alright though. It'd be nice to figure out life to the point where (relatively) alright was the default. |
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| I ran into an old friend... and now I'm not quite sure what to do. |
[May. 4th, 2008|11:14 am] |
While my cousin and I were in the lobby for Iron Man I ran into a guy I used to hang out with a fair amount when I was erm... I guess 19-21. I'm 28 now, so it has been a good 7 years or so since we last spoke.
He was with the same girl he was dating way back then (which kind of surprised me, I always thought that was sort of a casual thing, but I guess casual can turn into serious) and he seemed pretty happy to see me. He also knew my cousin, because he hung out with a different cousin before me (which is how I met him) and said cousin lived with my grandma, and everyone in my family hangs out at my grandma's a lot blah blah blah point is he knows most of my extended family pretty well. So we all just hung out out and talked for like 20 minutes or so before the movie, and none of it seemed forced or (overly) awkward at all to me, it was kind of like old times.
Things seem to be going pretty well for him. He is a High School English teacher at a local school, which kind of surprised me. He is still with the same girl after all this time, and they have an apartment together. I have to admit that sometimes it is difficult hearing about all of that, especially since he asked me how things are going (and he knows I have some issues as I had them back then too) so I was like "eh... up and down." I didn't really want to get into all of it right there, nor did I have any idea if he would really want to hear my life story.
The thing is though, I never have any idea how much any of my friends actually care about our friendships (Wes if you're reading this, you're an exception.) I almost always used to inevitably end up in friendships where I was doing most of the initiating in getting together (Wes... also exception) so I always kind of felt like... do they really even want me around? Hard to say. And most my friendships fall apart because I sort of stop calling or whatever... and they never called much to begin with. Which makes it very easy to think, when I sort of fall into my recluse period and don't make contact and I don't hear from them for a year or so that I'm not particularly wanted anyway, and so I lose another friend. I have no idea if this is just my natural paranoia or what, but outside a few exception I always kind of feel like people don't necessarily care one way or the other if I'm around, or that in some cases I might even be annoying them by sticking around.
And when me and this guy stopped hanging out it wasn't like diverging interests or anything, I was just having a really rough time and turned a bit recluse and lost most of my friends at the same time. I always kind of regretted it, but before I knew it, it was kind of a bit too late to just call up out of nowhere. And I think nowadays it would be very difficult to maintain a friendship if I had to be the main initiator, because I kind of just struggle to get by day to day and don't have much energy or motivation to make plans. It's not that I don't have any desire to, I just sort of put it off and put if off and then one of my (few) friends says hey we should do something and I say sure.
Anyway I got this guys email and now I'm not 100% sure if there is any point in trying to restart a friendship or not. He does still live in the area, which is at least one plus. But after all this time? I really don't even know how much he cared back then, let alone years later. I'm not saying this like there is anything wrong with him, just that I don't know how close we really were to begin with. I also don't know if I'm overthinking all of this either. I'm getting like a giddy teenager who just got a hot girl's number or something "OMG HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT TO CALL? 3 DAYS?!!!? I DON'T WANT TO COME OFF AS TOO DESPERATE, BUT I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK I DON'T CARE EITHER!!!" I guess I just write something short and see if he even writes back. I did tell him I was going to send him a link to my music project, so I guess I have to write him now.
On a side note he confirmed that one of the guys we all hung out with was indeed the guy I saw working at my (other) cousin's school when I was PE teaching there. I wish I would have known that, I would have said hello or something instead of just constantly awkwardly staring at the guy thinking "I THINK that is the guy we hung out with, but that is too big of a coincidence so it can't be... can it?"
I guess we will see what happens. |
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| Man, this was a very, very strange dream |
[May. 2nd, 2008|10:51 am] |
So in my dream I was playing an Advance Wars-ish game (it's a war game, sort of like advance Chess) but it was also real. As in, during this dream, I was really commanding an army and my decisions affected real people.
So I was thinking about attacking this one unit... but for some reason I thought they had some super weapon that could potentially devestate the planet. So I'm hesitating... hesitating... and finally go for it and literally right at that moment...
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
I was woken up by the loudest thunder EVAR. And in the moments between technically being awake and actually being awake, all I could think was man I really f-ed up, man I really really f-ed up and they used their superweapon and now we're all going to die.
It seriously took me a good 10-15 seconds to realize that A. it was just a dream and B. it was thunder, not the enemy superweapon. |
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| Wait... really?! |
[May. 2nd, 2008|01:45 am] |
Iron Man has a 96% at Rotten Tomatoes after like 115 reviews.
I'm confused.
I thought the trailer looked like ass myself, but apparently it's not just good, it's really, really good?
Anyone have firsthand verification of this? |
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| I don't know why this saddens me... |
[Apr. 27th, 2008|11:30 am] |
There is a guy I used to work with about what... 5 years ago?
He got married right before I left.
I found him on Myspace recently.
And then I thought... I wonder if he is still married? Which having to think that alone is kind of sad, because it would be nice to just be able to assume he is.
And THEN I thought... no way is he still married. I can't explain why I knew this, I just did. It was like a 95% certainty in my mind that he was now divorced.
I clicked his profile, and sure enough... "single."
On the contrary, whenever I tell people my sister got married somewhat young (well, young for nowadays) and has a couple kids already people are always like uh oh, I hope that works out for her. And I'm like you know what? I'm pretty certain it will. I'm like 99.9999999% certain they will never get divorced, anyhow.
Hmm.
Something bothers me about all of this. I feel like in the back of my mind I understand something that an awful lot of people are just glossing over, but I'm not really physically and/or mentally in the best position to put it successfully to work in my own life (and of course it is the kind of thing no one wants to hear as advice) so it is basically knowledge that is currently going to waste.
Of course, what also bothers me is what if lots of people out there also sort of understand what it takes to be successful in life... but also feel pretty incapable of pulling it all together successfully? That would be kind of sad. I never used to feel this way until I started having all the health problems, and during the (rare) moments where I actually physically feel good I usually mentally feel good as well and feel capable of a lot, but those times are rare, and otherwise I kind of just feel "messy" which makes it difficult to imagine pulling off a lot of things that I think I kind of understand on paper, so to speak. Is this how most people are going through life, feeling messy? I do know that more people than ever are on anti-depressants.
Ah well.
I still think a fairly good gauge for whether a guy is really ready to get married is how interested he is in a bachelor's party. I know this is somewhat a controversial thought, but I'd be VERY interested in seeing some stats about guys who had them and guys who didn't and where their marriages are now. I know my work friend did, and I know my sister's husband didn't (unless you count hanging out with us playing video games all night...) |
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| Hey lookie, I recorded some guitars and they actually sound decent... |
[Apr. 26th, 2008|06:57 pm] |
CLICKY
And then pick the song "Trust Thrice Cover" (which was supposed to read "Trust (Thrice cover)" but the dumb site stripped out my parenthesis for some reason.)
All guitars and bass were performed by me. Drums are digital but I still had to write them all out.
I think it turned out alright. What do you think? |
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| I now officially have a home recording studio |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|11:53 pm] |
I think.
I already had Orion for doing synths and effects and all that and Cool Edit for tracking, and now I have GUITAR RIG which rocks, I haven't actually figured out how to record with it yet but that is just a detail. With my pre-amp and sound card and Guitar Rig things sound so much better than I actually expected to be able to get on a cheap laptop, plus Guitar Rig has like a million different sounds for your guitar.
So I'm pretty excited. I should be recording some stuff soon and then looking for a singer and actually getting some decent sounding songs out there. Not sure where to go from there but it'll be fun in the process so no point worrying too much.
I do need to get my guitar fixed tough, it has some dead frets and I'm not sure what to do about that.
On a side note, there is something hilarious to me about this girl on Rock of Love being all... why did you sleep with me if you weren't going to pick me to Bret Michaels. HE'S A ROCK STAR. HE PROBABLY SLEPT WITH ALL OF THOSE GIRLS. AND EVEN IF HE PICKED YOU, HE WOULD KEEP SLEEPING WITH OTHER GIRLS ANYWAY. THAT IS WHAT ROCK STARS DO. Either she is really, really stupid... or just acting... but she can't have really thought that having sex with Bret on a TV reality show meant they were in love... can she? |
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| I would take this moment to rant about not understanding girls yet again... |
[Apr. 4th, 2008|12:53 pm] |
Ok first thing first, I threw together an intro to a song last night and it turned out AWESOME so everyone should go listen to it HERE. And the great part is unlike a lot of intros I write I already have a large part of the rest of the song mapped out in my head, the only reason I didn't turn it into more yet is I want to get my guitars sounding better.
Now, onto another rant...
I hate to rant about females all the time because that isn't really the type of person I am. But I haven't been doing much journaling in general and somehow females get me, shall we say... emotional enough to actually bother posting here.
But really at this point it is just getting derivative. Let's say say the last one reminds me of when you're in the shower and the water is hot and it's a nice shower and then BAM blast of cold water and you are like where did that even come from?! Except in this case I can't blame my sister for starting up the washing machine or anything. Anyway I was chatting and emailing up with this girl and everything seemed great and we were talking about how rare it is to meet people like each other and how we should hang out then I don't hear from her for a few weeks and now she has a boy, apparently.
You know that movie Good Luck Chuck? I really think that is me. I always seem to meet these girls who have only had like 1 or 2 boyfriends in their whole life and claim they don't get much attention from guys and stuff, the whole I'm a wallflower and so are you and we finally found each other and this could be totally awesome thing... and then they have a boyfriend soon after, he just isn't me. Except in the movie at least the guy gets the dates with the girls (I think, I have only seen bits and pieces of it.)
Is this some sort of cosmic joke against me? Let's look at another situation. Co-worker of mine starts chatting up some girl online. In my mind I think... I bet he gets something going with her soon, because see, that is how it happens to everyone I know. People chat up, like each other, hang out, and next thing you know they are dating. And low and behold I was right, he is seeing this girl now. It's not a surprise to me. That is how it is supposed to work.
I'm sure some people would say it is my lack of self-confidence or something but the problem with this journal is I only rant about things directly AFTER the rejection IE: the point of lowest self-confidence in a human being. I'm not particularly full of confidence in general, but I'm usually a lot higher than I am at these moments. And it's not like I'm talking to these girls like OMG I'M LAME WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME? I think I am a fairly intelligent human being and using my own logic and intelligence can look at a lot of these situations and say that yes, I presented myself alright and they did indeed seem to appear to be going pretty well. So why they always get stopped before anything actually happens is beyond me.
I'm really starting to understand the line in the 40 Year Old Virgin where they ask him how it happens, and he says something like he eventually just gave up. There is a certain point where you have to look at it statistically and say... at this rate the chances that the next one actually turns into anything other than another disappointment are rare, so why should I even bother? On the very very off chance that it turns out to be something different? After awhile that isn't even optimism anymore, it's just blind lunacy. I guess on the plus side the fact that none of this ever goes anywhere means I never have any real heartbreaks either, just frustration and confusion at not understanding what is going on, ever.
ANYWAY I'm really not quite as down as it would appear. For reasons I can't understand my body is somewhat doing better than it has been the weeks before, and spring is almost here (maybe that is why) and the weather is nice, and it is friday, and last night I put together in a few mere hours an intro that I think is one of the best things I have done yet. And I guess maybe out there somewhere there is a girl for me.
Probably up in the skies, in some castle in the clouds. |
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[Apr. 1st, 2008|03:02 pm] |
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ghostsanddreams's journal